Just smile and say "NO" |
Learning to say NO
A dear
friend and sister called yesterday. She asked if I had written a post on how to
say no. I said “No.” “Will you write one?” She asked. “No.” I told her.
It took her
a moment and then she laughed her melodious laugh and said she got it. Saying
no is difficult for those of us who have learned to care more for others than
we do for ourselves.
If we have
agreed to do something, no matter how difficult or painful or untimely, we will
somehow find a way to make it happen. So it really does start with that first “No.”
If we hadn’t agreed to do something in the first place, we would be able to
avoid that horrible feeling of having to let someone down.
So why do we
always say “Yes.”
This
weekend, I watched the documentary I AM. In it director Tom Shadyac
asks the questions “What is wrong with the world and what can be done to fix
it?” He interviews scientists, theologians, historians and other thinkers and uncovers
many wonderful truths. One of them really stood out; we are wired to be compassionate.I AM the doc
Consensus and compassion are much more in line
with our nature than are conflict and indifference. We have learned to be the
latter ignoring our more truthful selves.
So saying
yes is what we should do, but when you are a giver, people will ask you for
your assistance more than they ask for the assistance of others. The reason for
this is simple; people know that you
will say yes. If you want something done, there is no reason to ask someone
who always says no. So they go to the person who says yes and unfortunately, we
become overburdened, overtasked and stressed as a result.
We feel guilty if we say no and then
we feel overburdened once we say yes.
So here’s
the thing sister and everyone else, try to do what my mother did. It always
drove me nuts. I hated when she did it, but I now understand the purpose.
If we asked
my mother for something that she was not certain of at that time, she always
said “We’ll see.” My mother believed
that your yeah should be yeah and your nay was nay. Her word was her bond, she
told us. She didn’t make promises or oaths but when she said yes, you could
count on it as such.
My mother’s, “We’ll see, “was her way
of saying, “I don’t know what tomorrow may bring. I can barely get through
today, so we’ll see.”
When asked
to do something, stop and take a moment to think it through. What will the
request really require; how much time, effort and money? Does the request have
an end? If you are not sure that you can do something by the time someone needs
it done, or if you have taken on more than you can handle, be fair to the
person and tell them “No.” Ask one of your “less likely to volunteer” friends.
Give them the opportunity to live in accordance to their nature; as a giver.
For some people, giving
is more natural than it is to others. But when you do more for everyone than
you do for yourself, it’s time to learn to just say “NO.”
Be you, be well, be True
Bertice Berry, PhD.
Thank you so much Bertice. Saying NO is so powerful for healthy boundaries. It has taken many years for me to feel more comfortable to saying no. Although, in saying that, there are still times I find myself saying YES when honestly, I want to say no.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, I say "We'll see!" to my daughters. Thank you for sharing your Mom's wisdom!
Giving is part of who I am, and the importance of saying no, not only honors myself - it honors all around me.
Hugs
Lee @SimpLee_Serene