Is Your Ego Getting in The Way of Your Happiness?

I’m a sociologist, so why am I even using Freudian terms like “ego?” Because like it or not, words like ego and id have become a part of our everyday language.

We don’t always use them correctly. We think that the ego refers to an overgrown sense of self when Freud meant for it to be that part of the mind that helps us navigate the world.

The super-ego must be that overgrown self; but no. It’s that self-critical piece of mind that helps us reflect back the societal norms and standards we’ve picked up along life’s way.

According to Freud, our id is the unconscious, impulsive self that needs to constantly be in check.

So when we feel the need to “give someone a piece of our mind,” which piece are we giving up?

This stuff can get deep---even for a crazy person like me, so without going back to school let’s ask ourselves the following:

Would you rather be right or happy?

Are you holding on to something you need to let go of simply because you don’t want to be wrong in the eyes of another?

Is your id working over time?

Do you argue facts you can google?

Are you using the standards for your life to judge someone else’s?

Don’t look at me---I have to figure these out for myself.

Be you, be well, be happy.

Bertice Berry, PhD.

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Coveting Thy Neighbor’s Job

I WANT THAT JOB

Somewhere in the conversation about mentoring, there needs to be one about coveting. 

Most folks will admit that they really want and need a mentor and, or sponsor. What they won’t admit is that they want their mentor’s position.

The very idea of job insecurity often leads to job jealousy and consequently job coveting, job hopping and you can fill in the rest.

The failure to love the job that you’ve researched, applied for and got is most often caused by the same thing that causes infidelity in a marriage---too much of a leap; stay with me.

Having a great marriage doesn’t stop with the wedding ceremony. 

The ceremony, or the getting, is the start of years of dedication and commitment.

As a character in one of my novels said, “Getting is easy. Y’all put all the work in finding love and none in keeping it. The same face you put on for courting, is the same one you need for the keeping.”

I love my characters, they say all of the things that I wouldn’t even know to think of.

But I digress, I was talking about coveting the job and life of another. 

Work engagement should never stagnate. Once engaged, you need to find ways and reasons to recommit and truly love the thing you do.

While most of the Ten Commandments are about actions, coveting is about the thoughts preceding the action.

I’m going to get right to this so you can get back to loving what you do; instead of coveting someone else’s position or career, covet their process.

Be jealous of the hard work, the hours of continuing education, the dedication and time away from other life activities.

Covet the certification and dedication. Covet the engagement and all of the work that goes into it.

Covet what you don’t see in that sign on the door; the struggle it took to get there.

We covet the outcome instead of the process because, well, the outcome makes a really pretty picture.

Recommit to the life and work you have and fall in love all over again.

Be you be well, be engaged.

Bertice Berry, PhD.

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If You’re Happy and You Know It

HAPPY? Baby, I was born this way

If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands…If you’re happy and you now it than you’re face should surely show it. If you’re happy and you know it say AMEN.”

If you’ve ever been accused of being “too happy,” this post is for you.

If you’ve been accused of being passive aggressive; feeding on the snarkiness of life, this is also for you, but you’ll need to read it twice.

Happy people are much more productive than the passive aggressive souls who work hard at throwing rocks and hiding their hands.

Happy folks walk in with their hands up. They know when to surrender and they are happy even when they are not right.

Happy people live longer, are healthier and are more productive than people who are angry, and feel isolated in a crowded room.

Happy people have the same amount and degree of problems as everyone else; they face their troubles with joy.

Happy people are fun to be with, make you smile, make you feel better about yourself and your situation and they know how to party---sober.

Happy people do not feed on the misery of others; their food is the joy of life.

Happy people don’t need drama; they adore nature. Even their enemies call them blessed.

Happy people turn a complaint into a solution, a research problem or a song.

“There’s a new world coming and it’s just around the bend…coming in peace, coming in joy, coming in love.”

Be you, be well, be happy.

Bertice Berry, PhD.

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Becoming Beautiful

 Becoming Beautiful

Beauty is a difficult topic to cover. It’s been said to be in the eye of the beholder, but I’ve come to see that Beauty is in the heart of the beautiful.

Beauty is defined mathematically as symmetry, balance and harmony. Webster’s defines it as “The quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit.

”

Beauty then, is a subjective interpretation of a thing or person by a thing or person that may or may not see themselves as beautiful. Do you see where I’m going?

We have bought into an industry that makes a living by making us all believe that we could be beautiful if only our breasts were bigger, our nose and hips were smaller; skin lighter, abs tighter, hair longer, teeth whiter, lashes longer and everything (except those breasts) were much, much smaller.

On the wall of my bathroom, I’ve hung a picture of myself when I was 20. I was beautiful. The picture is not there to remind me of how beautiful I was.  It’s there to remind me that I did not know, accept or believe that I was beautiful.

Now, at age 55, I see the beauty in that 20 year old. When I look into the sad eyes of that young woman, she implores me to know that I am beautiful right now.

Beauty is as it believes. Choose to know that you already are beautiful, right now; as you are today.

My beauty is not determined by the industry that enslaves me. The slaver will not determine my score on a scale from one to ten.

I’m asking, no imploring you to see your beauty.   

Then I’d like you to pass it on. Tell someone that they are beautiful. Tell an older woman, and a young child. Tell this truth to the world.

See yourself as beautiful, and you will see the world that way too.

Be you, be well, Be beautiful. Because you already are.

Bertice Berry, PhD.

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Hearing vs. Listening

Did I Hear What I Thought You Said?

If we see the world through the filter of our own perspective, then we hear it through the sound proofing of our own mind.

Several years ago, I suffered a head injury. During that time of recovery, hearing was one of the most difficult things I had to endure. One specialist explained it like this; “You listen with your ears, but you hear with your brain.”

As clouded as my mind was, this simple explanation was beautifully profound.

My children are all adopted. They came into the world with fetal alcohol syndrome and crack addiction. They have had tremendous struggles; the greatest being the ability to truly hear what someone is saying.

I’m coming to see that we all have this struggle. We hear a compliment as a complaint and criticism as disrespect.

I am a talker; I do so for a living.

Some would say that I talk too much, and I would have to agree.

But what I know about myself that most don’t is that I am an amazing listener.. I listen for tone and intonation; for breathing and pauses. I listen to the silence between the thought and I listen to the sighs.

I not only hear exceptionally well (I’ve had it tested,) I truly listen. In fact, a great deal of my talking is to get the other person to speak their heart.  

I listen so intently, that even in a crowded auditorium, a speaker on a stage will often find me and point their comments in my direction. They can see and even feel that I am intently listening.

Listening, not hearing, is an act of empathy. It is about truly feeling what someone else is trying to convey or reflect.

While active listening is about the listener, reflective listening is about the speaker.

Active listening requires that the listener intentionally hear, understand and remember.

Reflective listening, developed by Carl Rogers and the School of Patient Centered Therapy, requires that the listener seeks to understand the speaker’s idea by reflecting that idea back to them. “So, I think I hear you saying?”

If all we hear is what we already think, then we are not listening.

Clean your filter and listen. If you are not sure, reflect it back until you can feel the intention of the speaker.

Then you will truly say to yourself, “What a wonderful world.”

Be you, be well, be listening.

Bertice Berry, PhD

ENOUGHNESS

 

“You’ve got to learn to leave well-enough alone.” My mother said these words to me practically every day of my youth, but it took years for me to fully grasp the meaning.

I’m a tad on the OCD side of things. If I’m cleaning something, I have a difficult time stopping. 

When I sit down to write, I have a difficult time getting up. My mother could see that even as a child I was what some would call “Type A.”

I grew up in a strict Pentecostal church. No one in my family went, I went on my own. All of the rules and regulations were just right for one who believed that there was no such thing as “well-enough.”

Something in that church socialization led me to think and then believe that I could never be good enough for God.

I couldn’t give enough, do enough or be enough. We were told by many-a-folk who had the microphone that our best was a filthy offering to God.

Amazingly, our pastor, a quiet soft-spoken man didn’t see things that way. But Rev. Rainey was not the firebrand that could bring down the fire.

The loud emotion tugging ministers were the ones who let us know that God was never pleased.

The combination of poverty, Pentecostalism and a poor perspective of my own self led me to believe that I could never be enough.

Enoughness is the state or condition of being enough. Until you can see yourself as sufficiently adequate for the task before you, you will find it very hard to believe in yourself, love yourself, or do any of those things the good songs tell us to do.

Enoughness is not about having or doing; it is about being. I could write much more on this; I can make this better, but I’m going to leave well-enough alone.

Be you, be well, be enough.

Bertice Berrry, PhD.

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Feeling Joy at HOME

Is Your House A Home?

For years folks have been searching for chupacabras, the Loch Ness Monster and Life-Work Balance. 

There have been sightings of the chupacabra and Nessie; still no life balance.

Even the Life-Work folks have taken balance out of their name; they like the idea of integration.

After years of talking and listening to the struggles of hundreds of thousands of working folks, I’ve come to see that a great deal of the struggle on the job is caused by the stuff that happens before we even get there.

More women are staying up all night with the homework of a second grader than they ever did in my mother’s day.

Today’s working women are re-thinking that whole “having it all,” thing but I believe we need to think about having support.

We have become both Ozzie and Harriett; paying the bills and making the meals, and I’m not even talking about single mothers.

The idea of sharing the load has taken on a new meaning and people are not only working to work, they are working to get a break from the place they call home.

Research in subjective well-being points out that people who have a good support system at home are much happier than those who do not.

So I’m asking the simple question; is your house a home?

Do you feel loved, supported and wanted when you drive up to your house and even more when you cross the threshold?

Is there a feeling of joy that comes over you when you stand in the center of your hard work and diligence?

Is your home a reflection of you or does it represent what someone else said that you should have?

Are you totally comfortable in your own space or does it belong to someone else?

If your own house is not a home, it’s no wonder that your job feels like work.

Today and every day that follows, find ways to get the support, love, encouragement that you need from the environment that you call home. Everyone will be glad that you did.

Be you, be well, be at home with yourself.

Bertice Berry, PhD.

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