Be Forgiven

Some of my Sunday dinner family

                      Be Forgiven

 

 

Most people think that wellness starts with the mind, but I have come to know that it begins in your heart.

Last week, most of us were saddened and angered by the shootings at the church just up the road from me in Charleston, South Carolina. Then the survivors and family members spoke of forgiveness and I was corrected.                                                                       

I don’t know if I could have said, “I forgive you,” to that young man. I’m having a hard enough time giving forgiveness to the folks I know who say things that are racist.

I’ve grown tired of being angry, but I won't be indifferent and I am only now stepping up to the plate of forgiveness.

Many of my friends don’t fully understand the burden of racism in America and they surely cannot comprehend what it’s doing to them.

Until those beautiful words of forgiveness, I hadn’t looked at what I had been holding.

I’ve often said that forgiveness is not about letting someone else off of the hook, it’s about getting off the one they put you on.

Forgiving someone is about letting go of the pain and suffering that comes as a result of the injury.

For my own wellness, I will move my focus from the terrorist over to the beautiful folks who could forgive.

You can probably read through my lines to see that I’m not yet up to the task of forgiving that murderer. It’s probably because I see the act of terrorism in a much larger context.

We should be talking about this.

We should be sitting down at dinner tables with the folks you mean when you say, "Some of my best friends are," and you should be discussing how this and other acts of terrorism make you all feel.

We should all be holding our hearts in pain from the indifference we have to our nations indifference.

We should be feeling something.

If your heart is not aching, truly aching, well, I forgive you.

Be you, be well, be forgiven.

Bertice Berry, PhD

Finding True Life-Work Balance

The Real Life-Work Balance

Yesterday as I dragged myself up out of bed, I wondered how I would get through the day. My body ached, but I had missed three weeks of church (one because of work and two from being sick of being sick.) I had planned to have family dinner afterwards but at that point I wondered why.

I’ve been hosting a dinner and a documentary Sunday for almost 2 years, but recently, health issues have caused me to cancel more than a few. One of our family members is leaving for a mission in Japan, so we wanted to be with him before he left. Still, my body ached and I was moving slowly. I pushed myself up, made myself get dressed and climbed the steps of our beautiful church building.

Once there, I got the love and hugs and the sermon that I needed. Rev Sierra of Christ Church Episcopal spoke about the need for community in times of pain. She quoted her college roommate who’d said that isolation is the dark room where all of her negatives are exposed. WOW.

I tried to hold back my tears, but the best I could do was to avoid the crack cry that was fighting to burst forth. Sierra spoke of the need to come together as a community, finding strength in one another.

As she spoke, my pain subsided and I felt renewed. Sitting there with these beautiful folks, I felt a kindred spirit of like-minded, like hearted people.

My Sunday dinner only confirmed what Sierra had said as we all sat breaking bread (literally, I’d left it in the oven too long,) and laughing together together. These beautiful young folks made me feel renewed and I suddenly became fully aware that the real balance in life is not between life and work, it is between your flesh and your spirit.

When my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak, I need the joy and laughter of others.

When my mind wanders to what is wrong, I need my heart to remind me of what is right.

When my feelings have been hurt enough for me to want to stop doing what I love, I need the embrace of a friends and family in spirit to remind me of who I am.

The real balance in life comes when you know how to give your all to others and then turn around and give that same all to yourself.

And with that I will drop the mic.

Be you, be well, be love.

Bertice Berry, PhD.

Mom Guilt, Mom Favor



Up and out for the first time in a while

Mom Guilt, Mom Favor

I know that yesterday was Mother’s Day, so I’m taking the liberty to take the entire week to think about what it means to do this work.

I’ll get right to it, because you and your moms have some more celebrating to do.

For the past three weeks, I’ve been down; not emotionally or spiritually, but physically down. I’ve been sick with pneumonia and bronchitis. I barely told anyone, because I was embarrassed.

I don’t like being sick and it seems like I’ve had more stuff in the past 4 years than I have had in my entire life.

Just the mention of being ill or injured can bring a “Not again,” or “What have you done to bring on so much calamity?” Yes, someone actually said that to me.

I know that everyone has to deal with something; it just feels like lately, I’ve had more than my share.

Then yesterday, a wise woman told me that as mothers, we get what she called Mommy Favor. This favor keeps us well enough to do all of the mending and caring for our children; then when our children our grown and we have two minutes to ourselves, our own body has the chance it needs to breakdown, rest and recuperate.

We had been standing on the church steps, the sun was shining brightly on my face and I was out and about for the first time in three weeks. That beautiful woman’s words were like cool water on a hot day.

Worse than the illnesses and injuries was my guilt. I felt guilty for being down, guilty for feeling tired and guilty for being sick. (The dumb conversation blaming me for my illness didn’t help.)

I’m over it all right now. I’m still smiling at the simple notion that my willingness to care for 5 children that I didn’t give birth to, has given me an extra measure of grace, a bit of mommy favor.

Don’t worry, if you are not a mother, you get extra favor too; just decide why and apply at will.

Be you, be wonderful, be without guilt.

Bertice Berry, PhD.

The Answer to Your Prayers

Open Your Eyes

This morning, as always, I got up early. I went to the bathroom for my normal routine and then got back in bed for an hour of deliberate relaxation. By then it was already 4:00 but I still had time to read, learn or do nothing. I decided to watch the end of the martial arts classic that I had gone to sleep on the night before.

The movie was a remake of a Bruce Lee remake, starring Jet Li. I turned on my pad and positioned it just right. Suddenly, it dawned on me that I was hearing the movie, but I could not see the action. (Fortunately the movie had been dubbed in English, or I would not have been able to understand what I could not see.)

As soon as I reached up to adjust my screen, I became aware of the fact that I had been sleeping.

I couldn’t see the action, because my eyes were closed.

My mind raced to a conversation I’d had with my daughter the day before. She said that she didn’t pray as much as she did when she was younger because her prayers weren’t being answered.

She had begun to doubt the existence of something because she could not see the thing she wanted and needed to see.

“Some things take time”, I had told her, “and sometimes the answer may be no.”

This morning, in my haze, I saw another answer; that some things require that we open our eyes and see.

Be you, be open and see.

Bertice Berry, PhD

How to Find True Love

The Happy couple, Lucy LoMedico Jenkins and Billy Jenkins

Bless Your Space with Love

Last week my good friend Lucy called with a simple request; would I officiate at her wedding. I shouted with joy that love was igniting our village of family and friends. Lucy and Billy had found each other over miles and military assignments and then had lost each other in the day-to-day stuff we call life.

They had found one another again and didn’t want to waste a moment dwelling in the blame game of the past.  I knew that Lucy and Billy were going to be getting married in Ireland, a place they had enjoyed visiting, but Lucy’s father would be working and not able to take the trip.

I danced and told Lucy yes, figuring that I had time to get deep and cute, but Lucy said it would be soon, possibly that very week.

“I’m in,” I said, still happy, but somewhat nervous. I’d officiated for the weddings of friends before, but always with a little time to calm my nerves and theirs. We’d meet for lunch and talk about challenges, vows and the mood they wanted to set for both their wedding and lives together.

This time, I’d have to be ready quickly. Lucy and Billy worked long hours and so as soon as they had a license and time off, we’d have a wedding. I asked Lucy where she wanted to get married and she wasn’t sure, so I volunteered my home.

I knew and understood what the old folks had said about how sharing your home for special occasions, like a wedding or baby’s blessing would add joy to your space.

Still, I was caught off guard when Lucy called again and said that the wedding should take place in one day.

The day of the wedding I woke up with a sore throat and headache that would not stop. When I opened my mouth to speak, nothing came out. I’d lost my voice and was shaking with fever. I decided to go back to bed and sleep through the day. The wedding was to be at 8 that evening and I figured that by then, I should have some strength. I didn't want to tell the bride that her years of waiting for the right person would be put on hold yet again.

My trooper of a kid Fatima handled details like cleaning and the small reception she and I decided to surprise the couple with.

By 7, I was shaking but had enough voice to speak words of love and by 8: 15 the couple was married.

The feeling of love that now floats over my home is tangible. My flu symptoms are finally subsiding, but I am more whole than I’ve been in months.

Love conquers ALL. It removes doubts and fear and the pain of loss. Love wipes away the memory of the past and it replaces any concerns for being alone. Love unites it heals it blesses and it makes happy those who surround themselves with it.

Love never fails. Let love bless your space and place of living, working, dancing, praying and healing and you will always be whole.

Be you, be joy, BE LOVE.

Bertice Berry, PhD.

Pride Care Love

PRIDE LOVE CARE

This theme may sound like New Age Monday, but it’s not. Last week, I had the chance to be with the folks from Whataburger. If you haven’t heard of them, it’s just because you don’t live where they are.

65 years age, Harmon Dobson had a simple goal. He wanted to create a burger so big that you had to eat it with two hands. He wanted that burger to be so good that when you bit into it you would say, “Whatabuger.” He and his wife Grace built a company that is still family owned and the 8^th largest burger business in the US.

Fortunately for me they are open 24-7 and will make your sandwich however you like. They have biscuits that still make me think of my mother. It’s not that my mother’s biscuits were delicious, it’s because whenever we were on a road trip and she saw the orange W she made sure we stopped to get them.

My children still laugh at how she thought every burger place had biscuits, 24-7 and would demand to know why they didn’t.

I’m a vegetarian, so I’m not writing about burgers and I really don’t need another biscuit, but what the folks at Whataburger are serving we all need.

Pride, Care and Love are not words to a conference theme; it is their mission. The family, as they all call themselves are devoted to take pride in their work, care for themselves and one another and love what they do and the people they serve. WOW!

I am still moved by the folks I met and by the family teams that gathered to honor one another. They were every color, orientation, age and gender, often led by women and they were united.

I’m sure they have their difficult days and weeks, but the very fact that they elevate the food service industry with Pride, Caring and Love is enough to make you feel like things are going to be okay.

I’m hoping that this thing spreads. I hope the very thought elevates us all to make something other than money our mission and goal. Money follows the mission.

What can your simple goal be? Can you be so loving that folks say Whatawoman?

Can you care so much that your team says Whataboss?

Can you smile so hard that folks say Whatjoy?

I want to do better. I want to take even more pride in my work, love what I do and the people I serve and I want to care and be compassionate about every encounter I have.

If we all strive to be a little bit better, we will be able to say “WHATAWONDERFULWORLD.”

Be you, be better, be love

Bertice Berry, PhD

Dance Outside of Yourself

Get Outside of Yourself

Every year, the city of Savannah, Georgia hosts one of the most amazing music festivals on the planet. For 17 days there are about 8 concerts a day. No two are alike and that exact concert will never happen again. Artists of different genres and backgrounds appear on the same stage jamming together, playing everything from the music of Appalachia to the sounds of South Africa.

I heard music from Persia and Brazil; there was Cajun and Creole, Reggae and Chamber and I was renewed.

On the last night, a group called DakhaBrakha (http://www.dakhabrakha.com.ua/eng/BAND) was to perform. The festival’s creative director, Rob Gibson had introduced each performance with a brief history of the music and the land from which it originated.  This musical mad genius had informed us that we didn’t want to miss the last night of Ukrainian dance music.

My friends and I chuckled at the fact that we should ever be caught dancing at a Ukrainian dance party, but we also admitted that we didn’t know what we were laughing at.

I grew up to the black music of the 60’s and 70’s. When I became the only one of my family to attend a Pentecostal church, my music took another turn and gospel was all that I believed I could hear.

I went away to college and was introduced to all of the famous musicians I had completely missed; folks like the Rolling Stones, and practically everything else that wasn’t black gospel.

I joined the jazz band as a vocalist and had a voice major as a roommate so my musical taste began to expand. I love and listen to music from all over the world and yet the thought of a Ukrainian Dance Party made me wonder what the organizer was up to.

In that instance of my own stupidity, it hadn’t occurred to me that I was the one who should be laughed at. I’m old enough and degreed enough to know that I don’t know what I don’t know.

So my friends and I went to the party, but we didn’t dance; hardly anyone did. We were all paralyzed by the brilliance of the group before us and so we could barely move or even breathe.

DakhaBrakha, sounded African, American, Native, and Latin. They were Europe rolled into Japan and jazz, hip-hop and gospel. Their harmonies were as powerful as their drumming and the accordion is now a favorite instrument.

I sat in awe of the music, in awe of my own ignorance and in awe of a life that gets bigger with each new awakening.

There is so much more to see and hear.

Step outside of yourself and the comfort of the ignorance you have created and you will see that there is so much more to dance as well.

Be you, be open, be new.

Bertice Berry, PhD.